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By Groove Llama (firstname.lastname@example.org)
A fan fiction based on the smash Disney film "The Emperor's New Groove"
All elements including characters, situations and everything else associated with of "The Emperor's New Groove" are property of Disney Enterprises, Inc. Everything else is property of Groove Llama. This story is not meant to infringe on any copyrights but solely as fan appreciation and to spread the word on this great movie. This story is not connected with Disney Enterprises, Inc., its subsidiaries or "The Emperor's New Grove"
Chapter Two: Pacha 2.0
When we last left our heroes, the production crew was arguing over who would get the last piece of apple pie from the buffet table. Er, I mean, Kuzco the llama and Yzma the cat were in a moat surrounded by hungry crocodiles that were about to eat them! How were they going to escape? "Relax," the animal emperor reassured everyone coolly. "Last time I was in a situation like this Pacha came swing down on a vine and scooped me to safety." Um, sorry, we couldn't find any vines. That scene has been cut. "Then in that case WERE DOOMED!!!" The llama floundered in the water as the crocs moved in for the kill! As he continued to panic he noticed Yzma hadn't said a word. In fact, she was doing nothing at all. "Maybe you are missing the point of this scene," Kuzco tried to emphasize. "But we're about to be eaten alive by a bunch of crocodiles!" "I know that," the feline hissed out of the side of her mouth. "But I have more important things to worry about." "More important!" He exploded. "What could be more important than being eaten alive?" "Quite simply," the kitty continued in a very annoyed tone. "I'm a cat and I'm all wet and hair driers have not been invented yet!" "Oh." The crocs were about to strike! This was it! In a fraction of a second the duo would be animal appetizers! Well, that would have happen if a miracle had not happened. (No! There wasn't a writer strike! That would be a blessing, not a miracle) Yzma was so angry at being wet she took a swing at the nearest crocodile as it tried to eat her. He yipped like a dog, turned around and swam away as fast as it could. She then turned on the others, hissed very loudly and raised her claws against them. Terrified, they too turned tail and ran. They were saved! "I hate to admit this Yzma," the emperor confessed. "You amaze me sometimes." "I don't see why," the she-cat admitted. "Since you closed my lab my crocs had to find work in this moat. You know how much of wimps they were in the first movie." With that said, the pair swam to shore and climbed out of the water. She wasted no time in shaking the water from her fur, she continued to shake until it was all out. Then he shook himself dry. Unfortunately, all his water ended back on her and she was all wet again. She hissed and then shook the water out of her fur one more time. "Don't you find this amazing?" "How we expect the readers to swallow our lame escape?" "No," the llama shook his head. "Five seconds ago we were drenched and now we are completely dry." "Oh let's see how many more plot holes you can point out to the readers." "No time for that," the wooly bully explained. "We have places to go." "We do?" "Yeah," he nodded. "I have to get back to being human." "How do you expect to do that?" Yzma asked. "We're a pair of demon animals, we have been locked out of our palace and don't have a friend in the world." "You may have alienated everyone with all your spam e-mails but I still have one friend." "Oh no!" the feline whined. "Please don't tell me we are going to see that big fat peasant again!" "His name is Pacha," he explained in a defensive manner. "And yes we are. Let's go!" She reluctantly jumped onto his back and the pair started off. "This is crazy," the kitty had a fit. "It will take us chapters to get to his village and we're not even sure he can help you." "Nah," Kuzco disagreed. "After the last movie I had a short cut installed." He referred to a sign that read `Emperor's Short Cut to Pacha's Village' The feline sighed with disgusted as they began to follow the arrow on the sign. The story progressed. Pacha's village basically consisted of a large hill with many huts populating it. In the valley below there was a field filled with grazing llamas. At the very top of the hill was Pacha's house. Misty, Pacha's llama, was in a coral just outside. The sun had just set and the stars were coming out. They glistened in the night sky like diamonds. It was going to be a beautiful clear night, perfect for stargazing. Unfortunately the story continues inside, so. Pacha's home was of simple d‚cor, very simple. Most of the items found here have been handed down from generation to generation. Kuzco is here busily pacing back and forth. Chicha, Pacha's wife is here as well, she is washing the same dish over and over again. She is a short but feisty woman. Every once in a while she stops and glances over her shoulder and looks at him. Her gaze is a worried one, a mother's gaze. Then she goes back to washing the dish. Kronk, Yzma's ex-henchmen, is here as well. He is a big and brawny man that is busy at the oven baking some kind of treat. Tipo and Chaca, Pacha's and Chicha's young daughter and son, are here too. They are busy chasing Yzma around the house thinking she is a normal cat. Finally, they corner her. "I want to pet kitty!" "I want to!" "Me!" "Me!" "Enough!" Yzma hissed. "I will not be upstaged by child actors! You both are going to get exactly what you deserve!" "Goodie!" Yzma extended her long sharp claws and raised them up high over her head. She was going to slash them to pieces! She took a swipe at them. "Ah ah ah." The annoyed kitty stopped in mid swing and looked in Chicha's direction, she indicated to a tapestry on the wall that read `Bless this G rated home.' "There is no blood in a G rated story." The feline hissed as she retracted her claws and folded her arms. "Fine!" The two children picked her up and began to play tug of war with her (Kids, don't try this at home!) "My kitty!" "No mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "And to think I gave up a lead in The Aristocats II for this." The children kept on tugging and arguing, everyone went back to what they are doing. "Where is he?" Kuzco cried in a nervous manner. "He left over an hour ago and he still is not back!" "Don't worry," Chicha reassured him after she stopped washing. "He'll be back any minute, I'm sure of it. Just try to relax." Kronk picked up a tray of cooling treats. He then walked over to Kuzco. "She right," Kronk tried to comfort the ex-emperor the best he could. "Besides, no one is going to want to buy a plush toy that has gray fur." "You're right," Kuzco nodded as he forced a smile. "Thanks." "Try one of these," Kronk held out the tray to him. "It will get your mind off of it." Kuzco popped one of them in his mouth and began to chew on it. "Mmmm," the llama stated with pleasure with a full mouth. "These are good. They taste like cheese." "They are." "I didn't know you had cows up here." He glanced over to Chicha to see a very worried look. Kuzco instantly stopped chewing. "Don't tell me," the wooly bully stated. "You don't have any cows up here. Right?" Chicha slowly nodded. "Kronk," he asked out of the corner of his mouth. "Where did you get the milk to make the cheese?" "Why from the llama out in the pen." Kuzco instantly spit out the treat onto the floor and kept on spitting. "You dolt!" He cursed Kronk. "What are you trying to do? Turn me into a cannibal?" "Oh I get it," Kronk paused as he deduced. "You're a llama now, I used llama milk. Gotcha." Kuzco stared at Kronk as if he was going to kill him, because that is exactly what he was going to do! Chicha quickly raced over and got between the two of them, she took him by the hand. "Come on Kronk," she quickly insisted. "Let's find you a recipe that doesn't have any llama in it." She quickly led him away to safety. Kuzco stared at them until they were gone. Then he sighed again. "I'm going to be a llama for the rest of my life." Chicha returned in time to hear Kuzco's depressing statement. "That's not true." She went over to him and put her around him, she petted his thick fur. "There is still hope while you still have friends." "I know," Kuzco admitted with a smile. "That last line wasn't my fault." "Because you have been through so much being turned into a llama a second time?" "No," the llama explained. "Test readers wanted some of the selfish self-centered Kuzco from the first movie back." "Oh," Chicha responded offset. "Well you have the list of ingredients that Yzma gave you, since she had a change of heart for no apparent reason, for the potion that will turn you back into a human. All we have to do is find the missing ingredient that Pacha is out looking for." "Nice off page wrap up." "Thanks." "But Eye of Newt?" "It's pronounced Ewt!" "How are we going to find that?" Kuzco exasperated. "We don't even know what a Newt is!" "That does it!" Everyone turned to Yzma. She pulled herself free of the children and stormed across the room. "I can deal with being stuck as a cat through this entire story. I can stand being partnered with a stinking llama. I can even take being used as a tug of war rope. But I refuse to work with a bunch of hacks that can't get their lines right!" "What is she going on about?" "You'll get use to it sooner or later." "You know what I'm going to do?" Yzma continued to rant and rave as she slowly moved backwards towards the door. "I'm going to go out, build myself a time machine, go back into the past and make sure none of you were ever born! Then I'll invest in the stock market, knowing what all the future winners will be and become a billionaire! Then I'll buy Disney out and produce only bad movies!" "You mean like Lady and the Trap III?" "No!" Yzma screamed as she reached the door. "Movies that just star villains! No heroes! And then I'll take over the world!" She finished by laughing hysterically. "Does she do this often?" "Every change she gets." "I'm so happy!" Yzma jumped high in the air with joy and kicked her heels! As she did the top part of the door swung in and smashed her against the wall. She then slid down between the wall and the door and fell to the floor. The bottom part of the door then swung open, it too squished her again. "Is it just me?" Yzma asked from behind the door. "Or is the `Yzma gets hit by open door' bit getting real old." Her only response was everyone busting out laughing. "No need to answer." "I still find it funny." Everyone stopped laughing and looked towards the voice, it was coming from the same someone who had opened the double decker door. That someone was Pacha. He was a large man, bigger than most guards in the palace yet he was so kind and sweet he wouldn't hurt a flea. Well, maybe a few, they are blood suckers. But never a fly. Unless it is those biting kind. Who wouldn't hurt those? Okay, he wouldn't hurt a moth. Then again they eat clothes. Maybe we'll have to come back to this subject later. He wore a green poncho, sandals and a leather hood. On one of his shoulders was his youngest son. Pacha smiled to everyone and waved. "Miss me?" Kuzco quickly ran up to him. "Did you find?" the talking llama asked anxiously. "Did you find the missing ingredient?" "I'll take that as a yes." Pacha strode into the room. Kuzco followed him. "You didn't answer my question." "What smells so good?" Pacha continued to walk away. "Wait a minute!" The llama run in front of him and blocked his path. "I know what is going on here!" Pacha stopped in his tracks. "You do?" "Yeah but you can't fool me." The huge Pacha cowered before the small llama. "You were suppose to inquire about the ingredient without anyone knowing it was for the emperor and I had been turned into a llama! You spilled the beans!" "I did not," Pacha stated proudly almost relieved. "No one outside this room is wise." "Are you sure?" "I'll state an oath as village leader." "Thank goodness," the llama stated honestly. "So where did you get the ingredient from?" "I told you taking the baby was a good idea," Pacha ignored Kuzco and addressed his wife. "Everyone thought it was for him. No one was is the wiser." "Give him to me," Chicha stated angrily as she took the baby from him. "Taking a baby out on a cold night like this was so irresponsible." "What do you mean?" Pacha asked. "He's fine." On cue the baby sneezed. "See!" She scolded him. "He has a cold now!" "Does not." "Does too." "Does not." "Does too." "Does not." "Does too." "Excuse me!" Kuzco broke in a thunderous roar. "Remember me? The one that was turned into a llama and what this story is all about and who has top billing!" "Harrison Ford is in the story?" "Not until chapter 391," the llama explained bluntly. "For now, answer my question. Were you able to locate the ingredient?" "Could you rephrase that in the form of a question?" "Quit stalling!" "I'll get it out of him." "My lips are sealed." "Pacha," Chicha began in a low sexy voice. "Dear. Honey. Tell Kuzco what he wants to know or I'm going to go cook something and make you eat it." "No!" Pacha screamed in terror. "Not that! Anything but that! I'll talk!" "Well?" There was a long unnerving pause. "I wasn't able to find any." Kuzco was so shocked his legs gave out and he fell on his tail. "I'm sorry! I really am. I talked to the witch doctor (Who would know witches would need a special doctor, they should be able to heal themselves) I talked to the Herbist (Who is this guy called Herb?) I even talked to the Vet but none of them have it nor know where to get it. I'm sorry." Kuzco's lower lip began to quiver. "Now don't lose it," Pacha urged. "We have only been looking for a few hours and this is just one village. We have the whole countryside to search. We'll find it, I promise." The words did comfort Kuzco, so much a hint of a smile appeared. "Besides," Kronk stated as he made his way through the crowd. "I have something to cheer you up." He stopped before the llama with his hand behind his back. "A special treat made just for an emperor." "Really?" Kuzco asked excitedly. "Just for me?" But as soon as his excitement arose it faded. "Wait a minute. Is this so called treat made with llama parts?" "Nope." "Does it say llama on it?" "Uh huh." "Will it remind me of a llama in anyway?" "Not a chance." "Then gimme!" The llama held out its hoof and a dish of treats was placed in them. He looks at the beautiful cake with glee. That was, until he realized what shape it was formed in. "A llama!" Kuzco screamed in angry. "It is in the shape of a llama!" "I sense a problem." "I'm trying to forget I've been turned into a llama yet you gave me a cake in the shape of one!" "Is that bad?" Kuzco screamed and tossed the plate on the floor, he point at Kronk. "I hate you and your stupid cooking!" The cook was cut deep by the remark but the llama was too busy being in a rage to notice. "I hate you and your stupid potions!" He indicated to Yzma. "Well la tee da." "I hate you and insane motherly advice!" He screamed at Chicha. She just "humphed" and tended to her child. "And as far you two!" Kuzco thundered at the children as his anger built. "I hate you two for being so cute!" They just looked at him in confusion. "But most of all I hate you and your stupid village!" He screamed at Pacha. "I should have leveled when I first had the chance!" Pacha opened his mouth to reply but closed it. He had been brought up in the philosophy of `If you don't have anything nice to since then don't say it.' At this moment he had nothing nice to say about his emperor. Nothing at all. "I hate you all!" With that, Kuzco turned and ran out the open door and into the night. There was a long still silence in the room. Everyone looked around trying to make out what just happened. Eventually all eyes fell on Pacha. "Aren't you going to go after him dear?" "Why should I?" "He's your friend." "He's no friend of mine!" With that said Pacha turned and headed towards the back of the room. He didn't want anything to do with llamas ever again. Never! (Pretty dramatic. Isn't it?) Kuzco found himself by the pool in the village. It was part of his modest summer home. He wanted to build a mansion but when he realized he would have to destroy to village to do it he had scaled down. A few minutes ago he was burning with anger but as soon as he had saw the water it faded all away. It was a reminder of how much Pacha and his people had taught him. Of how important it was to work together and take other people's feelings into account. The exact opposite of his tantrum back in the hut. (Kids, today's lesson is irony. I-R-O-N-Y.) Kuzco looked down into the water and saw the stars reflecting from above. But worse of all he saw his face. His new face. His llama face. The face he would have the rest of his life. It disgusted him. "You stupid jerk!" "Do you always talk to yourself?" Kuzco turned to see a beautiful young woman standing behind him not more than eighteen years old. She was radiant in her beauty, refined and blonde (Can you say leading lady?) She was dressed in the clothes of a villager, what a coincidence, she was a villager. She stepped up to the llama and smiled. "Where ever did a llama learn such foul language?" The emperor gawked a few more seconds, stunned by her immense beauty. (You think you got the point that she was gorgeous?) When he came back to his senses one word stuck out. "Llama," he mumbled. "I'm a llama. Aren't you afraid of me?" "Why would I be afraid of a llama?" "Because I'm a talking llama," he pointed out bluntly. "Shouldn't you be running screaming demon llama?" "There are two reasons why I shouldn't," the young girl began to explain. "First off, you're not a demon llama. Your eyes aren't glowing and fire isn't coming out of your nostrils. Secondly and most importantly, I'm an actress and in this day and age it would be demeaning to stoop so low for comic relief." "Now you tell us!" "The question is if you aren't a demon llama why can you talk?" "Er. Um. Well." "Don't try to hide it," the woman stated slyly as she point a finger at him. "I know what is going on. I know who you really are." "You do?" "I have heard the story," she proceeded smugly. "The rumors of the talking llama. How you were cast down from royalty and cursed to live in a llama's body. I know everything!" He knew it! He knew Pacha could not keep his big yap shut. But more importantly, he wondered what a yap was. Was that the cousin of a yak? Anyway, the truth was out. There was no use denying it. "Yes it is true." "I knew it!" The beautiful female dances around in victory. "I always wanted to meet a Nefita!" "Nefita?" "They are the last reminisce of Atlantis." "Huh?" "You know," the leading lady explained after calming down. "When Atlantis was being destroyed the inhabitants transformed into animals." "If they were going to do that don't you think they would transform into animals that would be more practical for their survival like birds or fish?" "I never said they were smart," the girl explained dryly. "After all, they let their whole civilization be wiped out." "Boy are we going to get the letters!" "So what were you before you came a Nefita?" Kuzco paused, he was going to set her straight but decided not to since this would save him a lot of grief. "I was an emperor." "I knew it!" The girl squealed. "I could tell! The color scheme! The dignity! You're an emperor alright." The llama took a proud stance and absorbed in all the compliments. "You are the first one to recognize the real me." "It is just a shame." "What is?" "That you're not our emperor." "I'm sure you have a fine emperor." "Ha!" The female laughed. "A slug could do a better job than him! He is selfish! Rude! Obnoxious! Mean! He's no emperor." "I thought I heard he had a change of heart recently." "That is just to give us a false sense of security," the girl explained. "When we aren't looking. Wham! He is going to make us build some stupid monument to memorialize his laziness!" "Can we please change the subject?" "Too much irony for you?" "No I just think we have wrung out all the laughs in this bit." "Oh okay," the beauty accepted. "Well, my name is Makhi. What's yours?" "Oh its Kuz." The llama caught himself. He couldn't use his real name, if he did she would know who he really was. "Pool. Yeah, Kuzpool." "Whew," Makhi sighed with relief. "I thought you were going to say Kuzco. As in our loser emperor." "We got the joke already!" She was taken aback and he felt uneasy about his outburst. This caused a very uneasy moment. They both looked around not sure what to say. "It's a beautiful night." "Yeah the stars look so beautiful." "I love coming out here and looking at them," Makhi confesses. "Did you know there is a llama star?" "There is?" "Let me show you." They both sit down next to the pool and look up into the sky. There, she began to point out various stars and constellations. Though the stars were lovely he could not take his eyes off of her. She was so beautiful. The chase was on. Had a minute or an hour passed? Kuzco didn't have a clue. When he was with Makhi all time came to a stand still. She mesmerized him. He could think nothing but her. She patted his deep thick fear as she continued to talk. Her touch was so warm and delicate, the last time he felt anything like it was from his own mother. And her voice, it was like that of a bird singing. So beautiful. He could listen to it all night, even for the rest of his life. The things she said was so meaningful and romantic that each word was like a grand symphony. "And that is how you change a wheel on a cart." Okay, it was more like a small quartet. "Next I'll explain what spam is really made out of." Fine! It is more like a kazoo! But it didn't matter what she said, he was in love. With her, she could do no wrong. Suddenly, she grew silent. His eyes met hers and vice versa. They look deep into each other's souls and they both liked what they saw. "You know," Makhi began in an almost distant voice. "If I was a llama, I think I could fall in love with you." "If I was a human," Kuzco stated in the same distant voice. "I would fall in love with you." They both sighed deeply as they both stared lovingly into each other's eyes. Boy is this getting mushie! "Is this a comedy or a romance?" The voice had not come from either one of them. In fact, it had come from the next page. They both turned to see Pacha standing there. Whew! Saved by the Pacha. "Pacha!" "Did I ever mention you have like the worst timing of a costar?" "I thought you were the costar?" "What are you doing out here Pacha?" "The question is what are you doing out here Makhi?" Pacha asked in a fatherly voice. "It is late, shouldn't you be at home?" "Oh Pacha," the young girl whined. "I thought you were different from all the other adults." "I am," Pacha explained in a stern voice. "I'm the chief of this village. The same village you live in." "I'm going," the female said with a sigh. She got up and headed back for the village. But before she got five paces she stopped and looked back to Kuzco. "Good night Kuzpool." "Good night Makhi." She winked at the llama, turns and walked away. He watched her as she left, love was in his eyes. This did not go unnoticed. "Good night Makhi," Pacha said in a very sappy voice mocking Kuzco. As an added touch he flickered his eyelashes. "Oh you're such the comedian," the llama replied quite annoyed. "You should go star on some sitcom like Just Shoot Me." Pacha busted out laughing. "So what are you doing out here anyway besides annoying me?" "Well lets see," the chief thought as he rubbed his chin. "I invited you into my home, gave you food and shelter, offered my friendship which you kindly repaid by insulting not only me but my friends and family. I guess I haven't had enough punishment so I came looking for some more." Kuzco glared at the human with angry eyes. But slowly, realization shone through. All what Pacha had said was true, he hung his head in shame. "Look." The llama started to say finding it hard to say the words and he clawed at the ground with his hoof. "What I said back at your house. They were unjust and uncalled for. I'm sorry." The villager looked at Kuzco shocked, even horrified at what her had heard. "Wow!" Pacha gasped in amazement. "Makhi must have really gotten to you. You actually apologized." "You aren't making this any easier!" The emperor roared as he looked up to him. "It isn't suppose to be easy," the chieftain explained with a smile. "Besides, I forgive you." He patted the llama on the head, this made the animal smile. "Thanks." But as quickly as the smile came it left. "I'm sure everyone back in the house doesn't feel the same way. They must hate me." "Oh is that so?" Pacha stated smugly. "Who do you think urged me to come out here and find you?" Oh! Oh! Let me guess! The director! The llama's eyes lit up. "Really?" "That is all but Yzma," the man stated honestly. "But it is written into her contract that she is suppose to hate you." "Wow." Kuzco was flabbergasted. He did not realize so many people cared for him. He also realized he didn't know what flabbergasted meant! Yet, in his enlightenment he still could not take his mind off his primary concern. "So um." The emperor's voice sounded like a little child. "What do you know about Makhi?" "Wow she really got to you," the villager confessed with a smile. "Maybe there is hope for you yet." "That didn't answer my question." "Well." Pacha started slowly as he thought. "She eighteen, an orphan and very head strong. I think you two would make a perfect pair." "Really?" "Yes." The llama did a little dance, his heart soared. He was defiantly in love. But it didn't last too long. Reality returned. "Who am I kidding?" Kuzco stated as he plopped down on his tail. "I'm a stupid stinking llama. I will always be a stupid stinking llama. I'm doomed." He hung his tail once more. "Oh is that so?" Pacha said with a sneer. "Well, I hate to ruin your self pity but we found some Eye of Newt." "Really?" Kuzco looked up to the human with hope, the response was a nod. Yet his eyes narrowed. "So help me Pacha, if you are pulling my tail I'll bite you!" "I have no desire to touch a stupid stinking llama tail," the chief defended. "But it is true." Kuzco did a backwards flip. Or, make that the stunt llama did a backwards flip but it was his voiceover that yelled yippee. He found new energy and vigor. "Then what are we doing standing around here?" The llama asked with glee. "Let's get me back to a human!" Kuzco raced back to the village. Pacha laughed and slowly followed. There was hope yet. The management would like to apologize for the last scene. It was never intended that this story have any meaning or morality. It was never meant to be positive or upbeat. Most of all, it was never intended to be so darn mushy. YEACH!!! Unfortunately, we had to do all the above to fulfill our foreshadowing quoted. We promise the rest of the story will be full of boredom, clich‚s and pointlessness. Thank you. Back at Pacha's house he, Kuzco, Chicha and Kronk were all gathered around the table as Yzma was talking. She finished a long-winded explanation. The emperor paused and rubbed his chin. "Let me get this straight," the llama began. "I'm suppose to go all the to Kilbror Castle, home of the world's most powerful and evilest magician, Mordrac, sneak in, steal some Eye of Newt and hope to get out with my life?" "Pretty much." "Are you insane!" "No." "Just checking." "No problem." "Need I remind you that my parents went to Kilbror to meet Mordrac and never returned?" "Not really." "Mordrac vowed not to rest until he destroyed the kingdom, it's people and the royal family that includes me!" "Your point?" "After they did not return three armies were sent to find out what happened and they never returned!" "I don't see what the problem is." "What kind of chance do I have if they all failed?" "Now it isn't that bad after all-" Yzma was stopped in mid-sentence when the door busted open and an elderly man rushed in. Everyone turned to look. "Is it true?" "Dad," Pacha started slowly. "We're kind of busy here." "Is it true about the talking llama?" "Talking llama?" "He's here in the village!" "Where did you hear that?" "Did Makhi tell you that?" "Of course not." "If she didn't tell you how could you possible know?" "It's called a story hole son," the old man explained. "I would have figured by now you were use to them." Before Pacha could reply he spotted Kuzco. "There he is!" The father races up to the llama and got into his face. "I bet you can talk real nice." The emperor just stared at him not trying to give his secret away. "Come on, say something. Sing. Can you dance?" Still not a peep. Not even a Bo peep. "Come on dad," Pacha started in a matter of fact voice. "Llamas can't talk, especially this one." The old man studied the llama closely, and then sighed. "I guess you are right." The elderly man turned and started for the door, Kuzco was very relieved. Suddenly, with almost blinding speed, the man turned back to the llama and cried boo. The animal's response was a scream followed by "Help me!" The jig was up. That is, if you knew what a jig was. "I knew it!" The father declared. "I knew he could talk!" "Why did you talk?" Pacha scolded Kuzco. "It wasn't that scary." "I know," the beast confessed. "It is just that I knew he wouldn't leave until I did." "You don't know my father." It was true, Kuzco didn't know his father. It was also true the old man pranced around the room like a little kid plotting and scheming. "We'll be rich," he declared. "I can see it now. Come one. Come all. See the talking llama. We'll put him in a cage and charge people to see him. They will make fun of him as he talks. We'll make a fortune!" "Dad!" Pacha scolded his father. "You know that isn't right." The man paused and looked at his son, he rubbed his chin as he thought of what he just said. "You're right of course." The Chief felt good to see his father making sense for a change. "Not with that whole demon llama bit going around. That is why we're going to go on the Ed Sillivan show! I can do my ventriloquist act. I'll drink water while the llama does all the talking. The endorsements for water will roll in and we'll be rich! Rich! Rich!" Pacha smacked his forehead and groaned. "No dad," Pacha scolded once more. "We aren't going to do that either." "You know son," the elderly man stated bluntly. "You are wise beyond your years. "Thank you." "My bladder isn't what it use to be," the father confessed. "That is why we're going to have the llama run for the president of the animal kingdom. The time is right. The lions have been in control too long. It is time for a change. I say quit llamaing around and vote!" "Did your dad work in the marketing department for this story?" "NO! NO! NO!" Pacha thundered. "He is an animal. He has feelings and concerns. We can't use him for our own personal gain." "And this coming from a llama herder." "Look," Pacha continues unevenly. "What I meant is there is a reason why talking llamas need to stay out of the lime light, the right to have their secret remain just that." "Bah!" The elderly man crowed. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't exploit this stupid beast?" Pacha couldn't come up with one. "Because since I can talk I can sue the pants off of you." "Good enough for me!" And with the S word spoken, the father was gone in a shot slamming the door behind him. "Your dad needs a hobby." "Driving me nuts is his hobby." "Then he is very good at it." The group looked around at each other. "Where were we?" "At a key plot point." "Oh yeah." "As I was saying," Yzma began in a disturbed voice. "Now it isn't that bad after all. Mordrac hasn't been heard from in years. In fact, not since the last army stormed the castle. So it should be safe to go to the castle." "That is easy for you to say," Kuzco bellowed. "I'll be there all by myself!" "That isn't entirely true," Pacha declared. "I will be there too." "You will?" "Of course," the Chief reassured. "I'm your friend, I'll be with you all the way." "Thanks pal." This is the part where you're suppose to go `Aaaw.' "And I'll be there too." Everyone looked at Yzma with surprise. "To fulfill your obligation as the antagonist?" "That and I doubt any of you would know what an Eye Of Newt would look like." "She has a point there." "And Kronk will be with us too," Yzma stated slyly. "Right Kronk?" "Why would I need to go?" "Only a human can make a potion," the kitty explained. "A potion is nothing more than a recipe, and you're the best cook around." "No can do," Kronk explained. "I have a chipmunk meeting to attend." "But Kronk." "Leave him alone," Pacha scolded. "If he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. I can cook, I'll do the potion." Yzma glared at Pacha for interfering but as quickly as she got mad she was happy again. "Kronk," the cat asked in a pleasant voice. "Would you accompany me outside. Please." "No." "Why not?" "Well let's just say that if you don't have anything nice to say you should say nothing." "What did I ever do to you?" "Well in the last story you tried to kill me and worse criticized my cooking." "I didn't mean it." "Not buying it." Yzma humphed but her smile quickly returned, she did not give up so easily. "Oh Kronk," she said in a sly voice again. "I'm really afraid of the dark and I have to go outside and, do what cats like to do in sandboxes. I would feel much better if you came along. Knowing that you are a Chipmunk Scout leader and always do good you won't turn me down." "She has you there." "I hate plot twists," Kronk groaned. "All right, lets go play in the sand." Kronk and Yzma headed for the door and left the room. Kuzco looked to Chicha. "So what are your plans for the rest of the story?" "Croushaing, taking care of the kids, doing laundry." She listed out in an upbeat voice. "I signed on as a house wife in this one." "You really need to get a better agent." "I know." Outside Pacha's home Kronk made an important discovery. "Wait a minute! Something is wrong here! There is no sandbox!" "I know," Yzma confessed. "I just needed an excuse to talk to you in private." "Why?" Kronk demanded in an uncharacteristic tone. "So you can insult me about my cooking?" "Heavens no," the kitty reassured. "I would never do that to you." "You have done it before!" "It wasn't my fault," the pussycat lied. "It was, er, Kuzco's fault." "The emperor?" The burly man asked. "Why is it his fault?" "He um," she paused to think up more lies. "He ordered me to." "Why would he do that?" "Because he doesn't like you." "He doesn't?" "No," Yzma continued to lie. "He never has. That is why he told you he didn't like your cooking earlier this evening." "But when he came back he apologized." "That was a lie," the kitten falsely explained. "He means to destroy you anyway he can. Pacha feels the same why." "Pacha hates me too?" "Well of course," the feline continued the line. "He's Kuzco's friend." "And I thought I was their friend." "Not to worry," Yzma reassured him. "I'm still your friend." "Wait a minute," Kronk stated thinking for the first time in his life. "If you have been my friend all along why did you try to kill me in the last story?" "Are you dead?" "No." "Do you really think if I wanted you dead you would still be alive?" "I guess not." "But we must get Pacha and Kuzco before they kill you." "Whoa!" The man barked back. "Back up the fruit cart! I'm a master Chipmunk Scout, I can't go around killing people." "Even if they are trying to kill you?" "Yes." "Then what do you suggest we do?" "I'm not really sure," Kronk confessed. "Let me check on some advisors of mine." He looked to either shoulder. "Yo! Advisor dudes. I need a pow wow here." Instantly, a very small version of Kronk appeared on one shoulder. He was dressed all in red, had horns and a pointed tail. In one hand was a pitchfork. Kronk looked at him confused. "Where's the other guy?" "Probably trying on a dress." "We're waiting!" Suddenly, another version of Kronk appeared on the other shoulder. He had a halo and was in a tiny shower bathing. "Is this a bad time?" The tiny halo dude noticed to see everyone looking at him. He screamed like a little girl and there was a puff of smoke, he reappeared on the opposite shoulder. He was now dressed all in white robe and had a harp. "What's up?" Kronk began to explain his dilemma to the tiny dudes. As he did Yzma looked at him in awe, on his shoulders she could see nothing. Kronk appeared to be talking to himself. "He's more nuts than I thought." "So that's the deal," Kronk finished up. "What do I do about Kuzco and Pacha?" "That's easy," the red dude explained. "Kill them." "You can't do that!" "Why not you sissy?" "This is a G rated story," the white dude stated. "Only the villain can die in the end and only is a twist of fate." "I hate to admit it," the red dude stated. "She's right." "I'm a he." "Hard to tell when you are wearing that dress." "Haven't we overused that joke in the last story?" "What do you expect?" The little dude with horns asked. "I'm the red dude." "So what are we going to do?" "Can we boil them oil?" "No torture either." "So I guess dropping an anvil on their heads is out too." "Actually that would be considered comic relief and completely acceptable." "Yeah!" The red dude starts singing. "We get to drop an anvil." "Actually we don't," the white dude explained. "Anvils haven't been invented yet." "You're messing with my mind!" "And there is so little to mess with." The red dude screams and body slams the white guy. "And he drives him to the matt!" The red dude dances around. "And the crowd goes wild! Yay!" The white dude makes a chair appear and hits the other little dude over the head, he falls to the ground. They then get into a wrestling match, Kronk is confused. "I'm confused." The two wrestles stop, look at Kronk and smile. "Then our job is done here." The two little dudes disappear in a puff of smoke, Kronk just stares off into nothingness. "Are you okay Kronk?" "No," he admits and then turns back to her. "Look, we can't kill them but perhaps we could teach them a lesson." "You mean like drop an anvil on them?" "No," Kronk barked. "No one can get hurt." "Okay we'll do it the sissy way." "Do you promise?" "Yes yes," Yzma replied a bit disappointed. "On the way to the castle we'll teach them a lesson and no one gets hurt." "Then I'm with you." "Let's go back inside before the others suspect anything." Kronk nodded and headed for the door of the cottage. "They won't feel a thing," she whispers to herself. "Because when you are dead you have no feelings." He stopped in his tracks and looked at her. "Did you say something?" "I was just rattling off how I was going to break my promise by killing Kuzco and Pacha." "Okey dokey." Kronk went inside and Yzma laughed like any generic villainess. She laughed and laughed, that was until she started to choke. She gagged until she coughed up a ball of fur. "I hate being a cat!" Yzma went back to her insane laughter. What will happen? Will Yzma really be the death of Kuzco and Pacha? And will anvils be invited in time for comic relief (Boy! Does this story need that!) But the biggest question of all. Will the management have to apologize for anything else? Find these answers and less in the next somewhat exciting chapter of. De-Ja-Booya!